Warning: Soul searching and heart pouring lie ahead. I know I said I wouldn't, but I suppose I must.
I should probably learn how to meditate because lately it has been hard for me to sleep. Last night I had a terrible time sleeping because I was thinking about several complicated things. The first was my break up in October. If I am honest, I am not quite over that. This maybe because it was my first real intimate relationship, with a very pretty and intelligent woman, and therefore my first real break up. I am especially confused because she said she would like to remain in contact with me, but that she cannot have a boyfriend in college (we went to different schools several hundred miles away). I try to stay in touch but it does hurt to think about her. I'd like to see her, to get some closure (our breakup was messy and not at all how I wished we would have concluded our romantic interest in each other) but I don't I am ready to see her, and it would seem that she feels the same way. Still, the thoughts of what I might say, what I might find out, what I did wrong, and what I did right still circle my head like angry bees when I try to sleep and continue to keep me awake. I do try to ignore these thoughts, but still they pursue me. At one point I was avoiding sleep, staying awake as long as possible so that I would simply pass out as soon as my head touched the pillow. Unfortunately, I could stay up until very early and then I had class so that did not work out very well for my health or my sanity.
The other bothersome thought, well dream, occurred this afternoon (I slept very late). I was awakened by my sister who wished to go up to Burlington at 12:30 but I fell asleep again for another 3 hours. The first of several dreams I had was absolutely terrible. My best friend, "JT," had died of mysterious causes. That wasn't the worst thing. Somehow, maybe on the way to the funeral, I was with another friend Adam who is the image of the perfect human (in that he is kind and generous and understanding) who was murdered in front of me, stabbed in the neck with a butter knife. It was absolutely disturbing. I moved him to the bed and I forgot completely all of my CPR and first-aid training. I awoke sobbing and distraught. This dream was incredibly vivid, even though I knew some details were wrong. It was almost lucid, but not quite. I knew my friend JT was not dead but the death of Adam in front of me was so real and the thought of the two dead cut me to the quick. This was the third time I cried this year. Once was when my faithful dog Rory died shortly after New Years from terminal cancer, once in the last week of February when I lost my preliminary match in the varsity state wrestling tournament by one point (I came back and took 5th, pinning the same opponent in a minute and thirty seconds), and finally this afternoon. I did not cry when I graduated, I did not cry when I said goodbye to my dear friends and then girlfriend, I did not cry when my parents waved goodbye on Purdue's memorial mall, nor did I cry during my break up in October. The point is, this dream sucked.
Then of course I had a dream about the conversation I might have with my ex, which was less shocking and vivid but equally bothersome. I'll spare the details on this, only that I woke up several more times and spent many minutes lying awake pondering the meanings of life, love, and my continued existence. I don't think I am depressed, I just wish I could remove these annoying thoughts from my head when all I want to do is sleep.
So sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs or annoying thoughts keep you awake, gnawing at your brain.
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