So this officially starts the new year, 2014. I suppose this will be posted at 9 P.M. because the blog is on western U.S. time, but the clocks just ticked over here in the east coast.
I am so bloody tired. I slept for five hours today and went to bed at 9 A.M., quite the accomplishment for myself. I have done so few productive things this break it is almost pitiful, but I have at least started recording my gaming sessions so that down the line I will be able to do something creative with them.
I am beginning to realize the inevitability of time. Why is time so depressing, it keeps marching on while I try to cling to moments in the past that glaze over and crystallize or fester and run with the passing of time. I wish that I could see the end of the world, but then again I will. When I pass it will be the end of me, my existence, my everything.
Gosh I'm being depressing. Happy New Year! Be glad, rejoice. Hopefully the human race won't kill each other off in this time.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
The Candy is a Lie
I purchased the holiday variety of my favorite candy, sold by the local sweet shop in my small abode of Barre, Vermont. Normally they are Red (raspberry) or Blue (blueberry) in color and sweet to taste. I can eat an entire package of them in about five minutes which is incredibly unfortunate because they cost about $5 per package: not good for an out of work student with little money. I got some for my mother for Christmas (who incidentally loves them just as much as I, but is more polite and less voracious in her appetite for them) and my father got some for me. They were festive, Red and Green with white sprinkles on the outside. I thought they were going to be the same flavor, just holiday coloured but low and behold I was wrong.
On first bite, I was utterly grossed out. The red flavored candy I thought was going to be raspberry was in fact cinnamon, the sort of cinnamon in a bag of red hots or whatever those candies are called. I was upset because I knew my mother would probably dislike them too, and made my Christmas gift to her less appealing. However, I do have an appreciation, be it a mild and somewhat defiant one, for the green ones which are menthol mint flavored. I don't know why, I have never smoked or really enjoyed the taste of toothpaste. I guess its just a thing.
On first bite, I was utterly grossed out. The red flavored candy I thought was going to be raspberry was in fact cinnamon, the sort of cinnamon in a bag of red hots or whatever those candies are called. I was upset because I knew my mother would probably dislike them too, and made my Christmas gift to her less appealing. However, I do have an appreciation, be it a mild and somewhat defiant one, for the green ones which are menthol mint flavored. I don't know why, I have never smoked or really enjoyed the taste of toothpaste. I guess its just a thing.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Patience and Stealth...
The mantra of Asmodeus, from Brian Jacques' Redwall.
Incidentally, I played against a Bounty Hunter in DotA 2 just now that lacked patience but was plenty sneaky. We were losing because our Riki was having his face chewed off by the Bounty Hunter, who is his hard counter, but we still had a chance. Our Morphling was farming well and had not yet died. When our Morphling requested a pause, the Bounty Hunter refused. It would have been a courtesy to wait about 2 minutes for our man to return and would have made the game far more enjoyable for everyone.
What is the cause of decency? What makes certain people more polite than others? It is a more complicated thought for 2 am in the morning, a few hours later than I meant to write this. My thoughts are relaxed and happy right now, listening to the conversation of friends.
Ah well. Night.
Incidentally, I played against a Bounty Hunter in DotA 2 just now that lacked patience but was plenty sneaky. We were losing because our Riki was having his face chewed off by the Bounty Hunter, who is his hard counter, but we still had a chance. Our Morphling was farming well and had not yet died. When our Morphling requested a pause, the Bounty Hunter refused. It would have been a courtesy to wait about 2 minutes for our man to return and would have made the game far more enjoyable for everyone.
What is the cause of decency? What makes certain people more polite than others? It is a more complicated thought for 2 am in the morning, a few hours later than I meant to write this. My thoughts are relaxed and happy right now, listening to the conversation of friends.
Ah well. Night.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Bothersome Thoughts and Frightful Dreams
Warning: Soul searching and heart pouring lie ahead. I know I said I wouldn't, but I suppose I must.
I should probably learn how to meditate because lately it has been hard for me to sleep. Last night I had a terrible time sleeping because I was thinking about several complicated things. The first was my break up in October. If I am honest, I am not quite over that. This maybe because it was my first real intimate relationship, with a very pretty and intelligent woman, and therefore my first real break up. I am especially confused because she said she would like to remain in contact with me, but that she cannot have a boyfriend in college (we went to different schools several hundred miles away). I try to stay in touch but it does hurt to think about her. I'd like to see her, to get some closure (our breakup was messy and not at all how I wished we would have concluded our romantic interest in each other) but I don't I am ready to see her, and it would seem that she feels the same way. Still, the thoughts of what I might say, what I might find out, what I did wrong, and what I did right still circle my head like angry bees when I try to sleep and continue to keep me awake. I do try to ignore these thoughts, but still they pursue me. At one point I was avoiding sleep, staying awake as long as possible so that I would simply pass out as soon as my head touched the pillow. Unfortunately, I could stay up until very early and then I had class so that did not work out very well for my health or my sanity.
The other bothersome thought, well dream, occurred this afternoon (I slept very late). I was awakened by my sister who wished to go up to Burlington at 12:30 but I fell asleep again for another 3 hours. The first of several dreams I had was absolutely terrible. My best friend, "JT," had died of mysterious causes. That wasn't the worst thing. Somehow, maybe on the way to the funeral, I was with another friend Adam who is the image of the perfect human (in that he is kind and generous and understanding) who was murdered in front of me, stabbed in the neck with a butter knife. It was absolutely disturbing. I moved him to the bed and I forgot completely all of my CPR and first-aid training. I awoke sobbing and distraught. This dream was incredibly vivid, even though I knew some details were wrong. It was almost lucid, but not quite. I knew my friend JT was not dead but the death of Adam in front of me was so real and the thought of the two dead cut me to the quick. This was the third time I cried this year. Once was when my faithful dog Rory died shortly after New Years from terminal cancer, once in the last week of February when I lost my preliminary match in the varsity state wrestling tournament by one point (I came back and took 5th, pinning the same opponent in a minute and thirty seconds), and finally this afternoon. I did not cry when I graduated, I did not cry when I said goodbye to my dear friends and then girlfriend, I did not cry when my parents waved goodbye on Purdue's memorial mall, nor did I cry during my break up in October. The point is, this dream sucked.
Then of course I had a dream about the conversation I might have with my ex, which was less shocking and vivid but equally bothersome. I'll spare the details on this, only that I woke up several more times and spent many minutes lying awake pondering the meanings of life, love, and my continued existence. I don't think I am depressed, I just wish I could remove these annoying thoughts from my head when all I want to do is sleep.
So sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs or annoying thoughts keep you awake, gnawing at your brain.
I should probably learn how to meditate because lately it has been hard for me to sleep. Last night I had a terrible time sleeping because I was thinking about several complicated things. The first was my break up in October. If I am honest, I am not quite over that. This maybe because it was my first real intimate relationship, with a very pretty and intelligent woman, and therefore my first real break up. I am especially confused because she said she would like to remain in contact with me, but that she cannot have a boyfriend in college (we went to different schools several hundred miles away). I try to stay in touch but it does hurt to think about her. I'd like to see her, to get some closure (our breakup was messy and not at all how I wished we would have concluded our romantic interest in each other) but I don't I am ready to see her, and it would seem that she feels the same way. Still, the thoughts of what I might say, what I might find out, what I did wrong, and what I did right still circle my head like angry bees when I try to sleep and continue to keep me awake. I do try to ignore these thoughts, but still they pursue me. At one point I was avoiding sleep, staying awake as long as possible so that I would simply pass out as soon as my head touched the pillow. Unfortunately, I could stay up until very early and then I had class so that did not work out very well for my health or my sanity.
The other bothersome thought, well dream, occurred this afternoon (I slept very late). I was awakened by my sister who wished to go up to Burlington at 12:30 but I fell asleep again for another 3 hours. The first of several dreams I had was absolutely terrible. My best friend, "JT," had died of mysterious causes. That wasn't the worst thing. Somehow, maybe on the way to the funeral, I was with another friend Adam who is the image of the perfect human (in that he is kind and generous and understanding) who was murdered in front of me, stabbed in the neck with a butter knife. It was absolutely disturbing. I moved him to the bed and I forgot completely all of my CPR and first-aid training. I awoke sobbing and distraught. This dream was incredibly vivid, even though I knew some details were wrong. It was almost lucid, but not quite. I knew my friend JT was not dead but the death of Adam in front of me was so real and the thought of the two dead cut me to the quick. This was the third time I cried this year. Once was when my faithful dog Rory died shortly after New Years from terminal cancer, once in the last week of February when I lost my preliminary match in the varsity state wrestling tournament by one point (I came back and took 5th, pinning the same opponent in a minute and thirty seconds), and finally this afternoon. I did not cry when I graduated, I did not cry when I said goodbye to my dear friends and then girlfriend, I did not cry when my parents waved goodbye on Purdue's memorial mall, nor did I cry during my break up in October. The point is, this dream sucked.
Then of course I had a dream about the conversation I might have with my ex, which was less shocking and vivid but equally bothersome. I'll spare the details on this, only that I woke up several more times and spent many minutes lying awake pondering the meanings of life, love, and my continued existence. I don't think I am depressed, I just wish I could remove these annoying thoughts from my head when all I want to do is sleep.
So sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs or annoying thoughts keep you awake, gnawing at your brain.
Friday, December 27, 2013
I'm so sleepy
Staying up late has delivered its sleepy karma in the most delicious way: knocking me out before five. I think I was only supposed to nap for a short while, but it is now six thirty and boy am I still exhausted.
Its a nice sort of exhausted though, I feel warm and heavy and relaxed. It's not like I have any plans or deadlines to meet tonight. I get to relax, enjoy the company of my cousin and aunt who are visiting, and drink tea all night.
I thought I might talk about the film, Donnie Darko, but that film is such a heavy topic for this sleepy mood I am in that I think I'll skip it. If I couldn't bring myself to join in with my family has they watched it, I don't think I'll write about it. Perhaps another time.
I really enjoy bands that can perform and create a background behind them. I am not well versed in music, gossip about music, or other information about bands. Most of what I know comes second hand and from my own, philistine impressions upon listening to music. In no way am I a superior authority on music.
But what makes a band stand out to me is when they can perform well, live in front of an audience. For this reason I have always wondered what a Skrillex concert was/is like. Does he use a looping device? Is it all canned and he just pushes a button but makes it look showy? It is very confusing.
A personal favorite of mine is the Steam Powered Giraffes, a band that plays a variety of music from plucky folk style acoustic to Rhianna covers. Their music is lovely, but their costumes are unique. They dress in robot outfits and move like robots, even when performing in concert. Their makeup is absolutely fantastic and over the top. It may seem silly or strange at first, but after having watched a few videos from their concerts and their music videos I was sold. I recommend them highly and plan on attending a few concerts with the friend who showed me them.
Their music makes me happy too, which is quite the opposite affect writing about Donnie Darko would have had, because that movie makes me so sad. So very sad.
I will instead think about Honeybee by the Steam Powered Giraffes. A happy song. A very lovely song.
Its a nice sort of exhausted though, I feel warm and heavy and relaxed. It's not like I have any plans or deadlines to meet tonight. I get to relax, enjoy the company of my cousin and aunt who are visiting, and drink tea all night.
I thought I might talk about the film, Donnie Darko, but that film is such a heavy topic for this sleepy mood I am in that I think I'll skip it. If I couldn't bring myself to join in with my family has they watched it, I don't think I'll write about it. Perhaps another time.
I really enjoy bands that can perform and create a background behind them. I am not well versed in music, gossip about music, or other information about bands. Most of what I know comes second hand and from my own, philistine impressions upon listening to music. In no way am I a superior authority on music.
But what makes a band stand out to me is when they can perform well, live in front of an audience. For this reason I have always wondered what a Skrillex concert was/is like. Does he use a looping device? Is it all canned and he just pushes a button but makes it look showy? It is very confusing.
A personal favorite of mine is the Steam Powered Giraffes, a band that plays a variety of music from plucky folk style acoustic to Rhianna covers. Their music is lovely, but their costumes are unique. They dress in robot outfits and move like robots, even when performing in concert. Their makeup is absolutely fantastic and over the top. It may seem silly or strange at first, but after having watched a few videos from their concerts and their music videos I was sold. I recommend them highly and plan on attending a few concerts with the friend who showed me them.
Their music makes me happy too, which is quite the opposite affect writing about Donnie Darko would have had, because that movie makes me so sad. So very sad.
I will instead think about Honeybee by the Steam Powered Giraffes. A happy song. A very lovely song.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Not enough hats...
"I enjoy hats. And when one has filthy hair, that is a good accessory."
Julia Roberts
Maybe I have a problem. A wee bit of a problem. I don't play Team Fortress 2 anymore. Not competitively at any rate and I have not launched the program in the last month and a half. Dota has become my main game, but still I trade Team Fortress hats. I don't know why I continue this, perhaps it is the thought that one day I will come back to the game, or that I will be able to cash out of my time investment (I have not put more money in than the average Joe who bought the game in 2007). You see, my hat collection is worth quite a bit. It is now in excess of $1,000 USD through various trades I have made over the course of the last two years.
Competitive TF2 did that to me. Why, you may ask, did playing competitive TF2 encourage you to buy hats? Well, I was not very good. And, in the spirit of Julia Roberts, I used hats to cover up my filthy playing ability, filthy being used in the negative. I sucked. I still suck, but I believe that I got better through practice and finally finding my niche as a six versus six medic. I played rather well, communicated well, but I was never exceptional. I didn't really practice, or research strategies. I spent far more time searching for deals on TF2 outpost and trying to become rich.
Life is about priorities. I did not put a large emphasis on becoming good at Team Fortress. I had to focus on wrestling and school as well. I had to think about the social aspects of life, seeing friends and enjoying their company. Making money off internet hats was fun, losing a lot in competitive TF2 was not. But in retrospect, I found myself covering up other inabilities of mine up with things. I wasn't good at sight reading music so I learned most of the pieces for band and jazz ensemble by ear, I buy things to make myself feel better even now, but really they are just material objects that leave me wanting for more. This is turning into a cliche soul searching momenet so I shall wrap it up. Besides, I've posted once today already, a mere two hours ago. Am I addicted? Am I writing here because I have no other outlet at this time, with my best friend going four hundred miles away to visit? Probably. So this is my emotional covering, warming my brain or something sentimental.
Hats. They cover things up.
Julia Roberts
Maybe I have a problem. A wee bit of a problem. I don't play Team Fortress 2 anymore. Not competitively at any rate and I have not launched the program in the last month and a half. Dota has become my main game, but still I trade Team Fortress hats. I don't know why I continue this, perhaps it is the thought that one day I will come back to the game, or that I will be able to cash out of my time investment (I have not put more money in than the average Joe who bought the game in 2007). You see, my hat collection is worth quite a bit. It is now in excess of $1,000 USD through various trades I have made over the course of the last two years.
Competitive TF2 did that to me. Why, you may ask, did playing competitive TF2 encourage you to buy hats? Well, I was not very good. And, in the spirit of Julia Roberts, I used hats to cover up my filthy playing ability, filthy being used in the negative. I sucked. I still suck, but I believe that I got better through practice and finally finding my niche as a six versus six medic. I played rather well, communicated well, but I was never exceptional. I didn't really practice, or research strategies. I spent far more time searching for deals on TF2 outpost and trying to become rich.
Life is about priorities. I did not put a large emphasis on becoming good at Team Fortress. I had to focus on wrestling and school as well. I had to think about the social aspects of life, seeing friends and enjoying their company. Making money off internet hats was fun, losing a lot in competitive TF2 was not. But in retrospect, I found myself covering up other inabilities of mine up with things. I wasn't good at sight reading music so I learned most of the pieces for band and jazz ensemble by ear, I buy things to make myself feel better even now, but really they are just material objects that leave me wanting for more. This is turning into a cliche soul searching momenet so I shall wrap it up. Besides, I've posted once today already, a mere two hours ago. Am I addicted? Am I writing here because I have no other outlet at this time, with my best friend going four hundred miles away to visit? Probably. So this is my emotional covering, warming my brain or something sentimental.
Hats. They cover things up.
Boxing Day
"Boxing Day is traditionally the day following Christmas Day, when servants and tradesmen would receive gifts, known as a "Christmas box", from their bosses or employers. Today, Boxing Day is the bank holiday that generally takes place on 26 December. It is observed in the United Kingdom, Canada, Hong Kong, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Trinidad and Tobago and some other Commonwealth nations." - Wikipedia"Boxing Day is traditionally the day following Christmas Day, when servants and tradesmen would receive gifts, known as a "Christmas box", from their bosses or employers. Today, Boxing Day is the bank holiday that generally takes place on 26 December. It is observed in the United Kingdom, Canada, Hong Kong, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Trinidad and Tobago and some other Commonwealth nations." - Wikipedia
Today I realized what Boxing Day is and/or was and am completely disappointed. I thought it was a day where the noble sport of boxing was celebrated. I suppose I was grossly wrong, but I still wish that I knew how to box.
Looking at today, I realized that I did nothing and am content with that. I had intended to do something productive, but when I went to work out with a friend we just talked, played with his sisters new cat, and bothered his brother with the talk of Kingdom Hearts and the Binding of Isaac.
I then played a game of Dota, and to be honest that made me mad. A British Gentleman, whom I had hoped would be friendly, quit the game in a huff after I died twice bottom as a rather squishy hero (Lina, vs. Lifestealer and Crystal) without any friends, despite my rotation and successful ganks a few moments later. I guess he was just frustrated. We had a man random Troll Warlord and he wasn't great, but at least he stuck it out. Our Nightstalker was good, but he didn't coordinate well and I was usually out of position. Our team still managed to extend the game, but it is very hard to stop the progression when the game is effectively 4 v. 5, or really sometimes 3 v. 5. Ah well, I won't bore you with the technical jargon, suffice it to say that we lost when we could have won if someone had not quit early.
SEGWAY! I hate it when people quit on things. I wrestled in High School and my friend, incidentally who I spent some time with today, quit the team sophomore year. I could have forgiven him for it, our coach was a complete jerk to him that day, but he then went and started to use drugs significantly more than is safe and it really bothered me. There are challenges and ways to go through or around those challenges and I really dislike it when people try to skirt the challenge in order to succeed without substance. They do not do the task properly, or completely, or sometimes at all and it is a terrible injustice. Blah. It makes me want to hit people sometimes.
So yeah. Boxing Day.
Today I realized what Boxing Day is and/or was and am completely disappointed. I thought it was a day where the noble sport of boxing was celebrated. I suppose I was grossly wrong, but I still wish that I knew how to box.
Looking at today, I realized that I did nothing and am content with that. I had intended to do something productive, but when I went to work out with a friend we just talked, played with his sisters new cat, and bothered his brother with the talk of Kingdom Hearts and the Binding of Isaac.
I then played a game of Dota, and to be honest that made me mad. A British Gentleman, whom I had hoped would be friendly, quit the game in a huff after I died twice bottom as a rather squishy hero (Lina, vs. Lifestealer and Crystal) without any friends, despite my rotation and successful ganks a few moments later. I guess he was just frustrated. We had a man random Troll Warlord and he wasn't great, but at least he stuck it out. Our Nightstalker was good, but he didn't coordinate well and I was usually out of position. Our team still managed to extend the game, but it is very hard to stop the progression when the game is effectively 4 v. 5, or really sometimes 3 v. 5. Ah well, I won't bore you with the technical jargon, suffice it to say that we lost when we could have won if someone had not quit early.
SEGWAY! I hate it when people quit on things. I wrestled in High School and my friend, incidentally who I spent some time with today, quit the team sophomore year. I could have forgiven him for it, our coach was a complete jerk to him that day, but he then went and started to use drugs significantly more than is safe and it really bothered me. There are challenges and ways to go through or around those challenges and I really dislike it when people try to skirt the challenge in order to succeed without substance. They do not do the task properly, or completely, or sometimes at all and it is a terrible injustice. Blah. It makes me want to hit people sometimes.
So yeah. Boxing Day.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Making this a thing
The hardest thing I find in life is keeping up with commitments. Its becomes infinitely more difficult for me to keep up with commitments when I don't find them important. Blogs for instance. But because I don't keep a journal I've decided to start with this. Something that I will write in once a day for a year or more. This is like a New Years resolution to myself, but I am starting it now so that I cannot procrastinate. Also so that I am in the habit of typing and writing these thoughts out.
This year was completely and unexpectedly great, overall. If I had to rate it, it was probably the best year of my life. I was accepted to college (Purdue!), I placed at the varsity states wrestling tournament, I asked my highschool crush out and we dated happily for 8 months until college, and of course college. Despite the emotional rollercoaster that was my break up, this whole year has been wonderful. I miss my friends, though I have seen those who I could and who were most important to me several times during this holiday season. I have achieved grades that I thought were unreasonably hard to get, I have learned a new hobby, and met many new and wonderful people.
That is all vague and grand, but I want to talk about one person. In every entry I will try to find a topic to write about. Something specific, something concrete that I can focus on and write about. For this entry I think I will talk about my friend Brian.
Brian, who lives two doors down from me in my Purdue Residence halls is clinically depressed and a self diagnosed sociopath. The first one can be evident if you have ever talked with him following a calculus or computer science lecture or recitation because he does not enjoy them at all. However, if you can move the topic away from these courses, he is incredibly fun and interesting to talk with. I particularly enjoy smacktalking his friend and roommate Stephen with him and discussing the various interests we share. <God I sound clinical when writing this.>
We share an interest in film. Film, movies, television, and the production of these works of art. I am an editing enthusiast, Brian loves to shoot and write. It sort of works out, except we haven't done anything together aside for an advertisement for the Purdue Union Gaming Club. Brian is also significantly more well versed and... watched in film literature. He has seen many more movies than I have and seems to understand the motives and techniques of filmmakers to a deeper degree than I can, or at least he can articulate well. I simply say "I didn't like that" but I can't seem to find the right reason for that dislike, though I know it is relatively correct.
I am feeling the tugs of boredom now, but Brian has become a good friend.
If for some reason you are reading this Brian, or anyone else, Merry Christmas and know that you have made the first semester of college awesome!
Si_Phi
This year was completely and unexpectedly great, overall. If I had to rate it, it was probably the best year of my life. I was accepted to college (Purdue!), I placed at the varsity states wrestling tournament, I asked my highschool crush out and we dated happily for 8 months until college, and of course college. Despite the emotional rollercoaster that was my break up, this whole year has been wonderful. I miss my friends, though I have seen those who I could and who were most important to me several times during this holiday season. I have achieved grades that I thought were unreasonably hard to get, I have learned a new hobby, and met many new and wonderful people.
That is all vague and grand, but I want to talk about one person. In every entry I will try to find a topic to write about. Something specific, something concrete that I can focus on and write about. For this entry I think I will talk about my friend Brian.
Brian, who lives two doors down from me in my Purdue Residence halls is clinically depressed and a self diagnosed sociopath. The first one can be evident if you have ever talked with him following a calculus or computer science lecture or recitation because he does not enjoy them at all. However, if you can move the topic away from these courses, he is incredibly fun and interesting to talk with. I particularly enjoy smacktalking his friend and roommate Stephen with him and discussing the various interests we share. <God I sound clinical when writing this.>
We share an interest in film. Film, movies, television, and the production of these works of art. I am an editing enthusiast, Brian loves to shoot and write. It sort of works out, except we haven't done anything together aside for an advertisement for the Purdue Union Gaming Club. Brian is also significantly more well versed and... watched in film literature. He has seen many more movies than I have and seems to understand the motives and techniques of filmmakers to a deeper degree than I can, or at least he can articulate well. I simply say "I didn't like that" but I can't seem to find the right reason for that dislike, though I know it is relatively correct.
I am feeling the tugs of boredom now, but Brian has become a good friend.
If for some reason you are reading this Brian, or anyone else, Merry Christmas and know that you have made the first semester of college awesome!
Si_Phi
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